i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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