You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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