you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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