i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
