We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
