I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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