Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize