News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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