my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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