Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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