I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
