I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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