That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
