I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
