I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
