were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I fill condoms, not promises.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
