hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
