doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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