You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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