If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
