I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
