Dual....:-)
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
