What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
