so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize