my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
