We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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