At least make sure they are 18
Why
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
