I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
