my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
