I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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