Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
