why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
