So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
