I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
