just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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