If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
