She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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