the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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