I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
