It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I checked into jail on foursquare
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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