Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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