Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
