We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
