margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
