if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
