We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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