You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize