i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
