You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
