Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize