I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
