I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Floor bacon is actually really good
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
