the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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