If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
