i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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