You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
