I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
