pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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